Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
