I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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