two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
