I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
