So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
