She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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