my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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