Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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