When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
