I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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