singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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