my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
