I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
