then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
