Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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