If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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