I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
