God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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