how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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