well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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