break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
