I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
