I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
