It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
