Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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