i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My balls are so social today.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
