Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize