i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
