that's what penises do
they tell lies.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
