so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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