I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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