I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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