I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
