I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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