nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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