We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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