just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
