Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize