I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
