She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
