i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
