Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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