Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
my poor anus
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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