if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
