This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
