The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
