Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
