The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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