At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
