Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
