i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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