god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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