We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
