with your own penis?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
