hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
