You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
