Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Randomize
