If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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